Dragtime
by WittyFae
Summary: A musical parody based on the opening number of the musical Ragtime.


DRAG TIME – a musical number prologue parody in far too many parts.

By WittyFae

(A young boy in short pants enters the stage with large bug glasses and a giant lollypop in the style of a turn of the century dandy. He has a pronounced lisp)

EDGAR

Thith ith the true thtory of three thocial groupths

MOTHER

Hello!

TATEH

L'Claim!

COALHOUSE

Wazzup!

EDGAR

Picked to live in a thentury

MOTHER

Oh dear!

TATEH

Oy!

COALHOUSE

Damn!

EDGAR

Thee what happenth when people thtop being polite

MOTHER

I never!

TATEH

Kish mine tuches!

COALHOUSE

Bitch please!

EDGAR

And thtart being drags…

Drag-Time 1906.

MOTHER, TATEH, COALHOUSE

What would bring us together

All on one stage

Straight off the page!

TATEH

(YES this was a book!)

MOTHER, TATEH, COALHOUSE

With stories overlapping

All intertwined

They'll coincide

COALHOUSE

(Don't expect a map!)

MOTHER, TATEH, COALHOUSE

And what will you be seeing

As hours of your life pass you by?

We bet you still won't know

After the actors go

Cause the show is so slow

Drag time!

(Characters retreat to their corners)

(Fade in on the little stiffy upper class corner)

FATHER

Mother where the devil are my slippers?

MOTHER

They're next to your side of the bed.

FATHER

I see. And where are my glasses?

MOTHER

On your head dear.

FATHER

uh huh…what about my straw hat?

MOTHER

You threw it in the lake, remember Darling?

FATHER

Quite right, well, I'm ready to copulate, so heed to your wifely duties.

MOTHER

Alright, just as soon as I finish this suicide note.

FATHER

impatient Women…soon they'll want to vote!

to the audience

Father was a man dealing with his little family in the best way he could – by running out on them to forage for decadent Eskimo sex in the Yukon. But he provided well for them. Not bad for being the product of centuries worth of marriage between first cousins.

MOTHER

The house where she hated her life was Mother's domain. Every day she took joy in thinking of new ways to end her life. They were happy times, cleaning, feeding her son's oedipal complex…

FATHER

Mother, I'm WAITING! You're keeping me from years away surrounded by seaman!

MOTHER

And seeing to it that Father could find his own ass with two hands and a flashlight.

MOTHER'S YOUNGER BROTHER

Sister! Will you pin my gloves to my coat so that they won't get lost!

to audience

Mother's younger brother was a useless waste of life, perfectly content to masturbate violently to the thought of explosions and various hootchie cootchie girls of the time. Sometimes he would put the fantasies together and the sight of their scantily clad bodies exploding drove him to a sexual frenzy only dreamt of by the white upper class.

(Grandfather enters disoriented and crazed looking)

GRANDFATHER

Where the hell am I? Who are you? What have you done with Stella! Stella! Where's my supper?

to audience completely normal

Grandfather had been faking insanity for years now to keep from doing anything. But there was one thing he never faked. He truly was a rat bastard son of a bitch.

MOTHER

WE'RE ALL UNHAPPY HERE

FATHER

THAT'S WHY I DISAPPEAR

MOTHER (with a bag of heavy rocks)  
I WONDER IF THE TIDE'S IN…

(lights up on speak easy saloon)

COALHOUSE

Row row row your boat gently down the stream!

WOMEN

SWOOOOOOON

COALHOUSE

Yeah, you know it! Mr. Coalhouse Walker Junior the Third Esq M.D was a sexy mutha –

SARAH's FRIEND

Shut yo mouth!

COALHOUSE

But I'm talkin' 'bout Coalhouse

SARAH'S FRIEND

Then I can dig it!

COALHOUSE

Down in Harlem, there were no honkeys, only honky tonk pianos, and Coalhouse was God's gift to the ladies.

SARAH

Coalhouse…

COALHOUSE

You could say he had 88 keys to their heart

SARAH

Coalhouse I…

COALHOUSE

Yes sir, if there was one thing Coalhouse had it was action

SARAH

Coalhouse, I love you

COALHOUSE

And by action I mean that he had numerous hot sweaty affairs with so many ladies and a even a few men and was completely unfaithful and untrustworthy

SARAH

Coalhouse please listen to me!

COALHOUSE

One time I even had sex with four women on my girlfriend's mother's grave and…

SARAH

Coalhouse! I'm leaving you goodbye!

sour chord on the piano

COALHOUSE

bewildered

Why? I don't understand! Why would she leave me! WHY GOD WHY! WHAT DID I DO!

SARAH'S FRIEND

Don't worry Coalhouse we'll help get her back into this abusive one sided relationship, don't ya'll worry.

COALHOUSE

You're the best! Play your cards right and there may be a solo in this for you lata winks

SARAH'S FRIEND

mmmmmHMMMMMM

BOOKER T. WASHINGTON

Pardon me my good sir, I am a symbol of the African American hope for freedom and equality, could you direct me to the Morgan Library?

COALHOUSE

Morgan Library? Never heard of it! I wouldn't be caught DEAD THERE!

BOOKER T.

CAREFUL THE THINGS YOU SAY

YOU'LL GIVE THE PLOT AWAY!

IF ANYONE'S STILL FOLLOWING….

(light's up on the docks of some god-forsaken harbor)

TATEH

Mche ALACKKKKK ICHCHHHHHH shpreichhhh hhhhhooohah tuchhhhas muchhh muchhh Goylacccchhhhh.

LITTLE GIRL

What did you say papa?

TATEH

Nothing, I think I swallowed a bug in steerage class.

to audience

Tateh was one of the faceless walking dead of Europe who decided to uproot his whole family from Latvia to come and take jobs away from Americans.

LITTLE GIRL

Is that true papa?

TATEH

SHUT UP! YOU NO TALK!

nicely to audience

He was a man with a pair of scissors and a dream!

OTHER IMMIGRANT

A barber?

TATEH

No

OTHER IMMIGRANT

A tailor?

TATEH

NO!

IMMIGRANTS

Then what!

TATEH

I cut out little pieces of paper and glue them to OTHER pieces of paper and by doing what a four year old does for mother's day I've got the bright I idea I'm going to be rich!

LITTLE GIRL

…you've condemned us to die.

TATEH

WHAT DID I TELL YOU! tugs on her rope

LITTLE GIRL

SORRY!...(shmuck)

EDGAR

Look poor foreigners! It's Houdini!

HOUDINI (appears in a sigfriend and roy ensemble that would make Liberace blush)

Hey HEY hey!

(crowd oohs and ahhhs as Houdini does shadow puppets)

HOUDINI

Harry Houdini was like every other mensch in show business. He started just a little meeshkite from the projects of Europe and thanks to hard work and a mother with no boundaries or sense of humanity he rose to become the biggest thing since…giggles I said biggest thing!

HOUDINI'S MOTHER

pinches his cheek and gives him a bottle

THWOEJRL;AGJWERAUIOEWBHN (eastern European gibberish)

HOUDINI

His mother thought he was FAAAAAABULOUUUUUUSSSS!

EDGAR

Houdini!

HOUDINI

Hi sweetie pie!

EDGAR

Warn the duke!

HOUDINI

Ex-queeze me?

EDGAR

WARN THE DUKE! runs off

HOUDINI

WAIT!...how do I get this guy Duke's address!

(lights up on the down stage center empty space)

J.P MORGAN

There are some characters that make a play great! Then there are others who are just filler and there for historical accuracy! J.P Morgan was one of these characters!

HENRY FORD

So was Henry Ford! Great men, whose job it was to sing one song then die in obscurity playing 12 other chorus roles! Never getting the respect they deserve!

EMMA GOLDMAN (pushes them both aside like the butch she is)

EMMA GOLDMAN REFUSED TO BE ONE OF THOSE CHARACTERS! SHE WAS A BRUTE BUTCH WOMAN WHO SCRAPED AND CLAWED UNTIL SHE GOT MORE SONGS! SHE STOOD FOR FREEDOM, ANARCHY AND SHE YELLED A LOT. THE ONLY THING SHE HATED MORE THAN OPPRESSION WERE SISSY GIRLS WHO USED SEX TO GET ATTENTION!

EVELYN NESBIT (off stage)

WEEEEE!

EMMA

OY!

EVELYN NESBIT (is lowered on a half broken swing with a bottle in one hand and her hair a mess. She looks like spring break gone horribly horribly wrong)

slurring

Ev'lyn Nesbit wuss the mos' beautifulgirlintheworld…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! glug glug glug

Shhhe was famous for….famous for….

EMMA

BEING A GOLD DIGGING SLUT!

EVELYN

RIGHT! Thank you dear! She was a gold digging slut who did something…to someone…or maybe it was…I know there was swing…Does anyone know where we are in the script, this is getting really confusing…hiccup

MOTHER'S YOUNGER BROTHER ENTERS AND SEES HER.

MOTHER'S YOUNGER BROTHER

Oh…Oh…OH….

whips a stick of dynamite out of his coat pocket and starts to stroke it then runs off stage grinning perversely

EVELYN

He was nice.

EMMA

THOUGH EMMA'S SCENES WOULD BE THE MOST TELLING AND PROVOCATIVE OF ALL OF THE SCENES THE AUDIENCE KNEW THAT THE PLAY WAS ONLY BEGINNING…

EVERYONE

AND THERE WERE 8,000 MORE SCENES TO GO!

(all scenes come together and join in a giant mob downstage)

EVERYONE

AND THERE'S THIS CONSTANT MUSIC

SCORING THE SCENES

PUSHING THE THEME

LA LA LA LA LA!

A STRAIN OF CONSTANT MUSIC

SOON IT'S OLD NEWS

ILLICITING BOOS

EVELYN NESBIT

Did someone say booze!

EVERYONE

THIS PHRASE WILL STICK IN YOUR BRAIN

AFTER YOU ALL HAVE GONE HOME

THIS IS THE OVERUSED TUNE THAT YOU WON'T FORGET

AND IN CASE YOU MIGHT WE'LL BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT

IT'S STILL JUST THE PROLOGUE AND IT'S 8:49!

WE TOLD YOU THIS WOULD DRAG TIME!

DRAG TIME!

DRAG TIME!

DRAG TIME!


End file.
